Things don't always come full circle. As someone who fixates on closure and likes for things to have a beginning and an end, a right or a wrong answer, this concept is particularly difficult for me.
The night before my Dad died, the Indians lost the 2016 World Series in game 7. It was raining--I know this, because I remember asking if he thought they would have to postpone. I almost wish they had so my Dad didn't have to have their loss be the last baseball game he ever saw. I remember trying to be a gracious loser because the Cubs had a longer no-world-series-win streak than us. I'm sure there's a real term for that but I won't pretend to know enough about baseball to know it, or to care enough to look it up. In any event, they lost and I was bummed, but not heartbroken, because after discussion with my Dad and brother and most people who actually know baseball, we all just kind of assumed that 2017 would be Cleveland's year. It would be okay. We would come back around to this. Well the next day my Dad died. People have a lot to say about "that first year". Some people who know nothing of grief even ~know~ how important that year is. For whatever reason, my brain focused on the fact that a year from then, the Indians would win the World Series and my Dad would be so hype and all Angels in the Outfield kind of thing. But then they lost before they even got to the World Series! They lost the series before the series before the World Series. (we're still being patient with my basic baseball knowledge). And I was crushed. Not because I'm really into baseball (obviously). But because it would never come full circle. I would never get that comfort, that closure that would come with them winning the World Series after having lost it the night before my Father died. Part of me wants to call up Corey Kluber and ask why he couldn't get it together for my Dead Dad. C'mon man! We have closure to acquire! Well, I do. And it depends on your extraordinary athletic ability! Well I didn't. If I did call Corey Kluber I'd probably ask him to get drinks on Saturday because he's hot. Anyway, I've gone a long way to say that we don't get closure. Things don't often come full circle. And had the Indians won, my Father would not be any less dead, and my daily life would go on as it does now. But it would have been a nice small circle to have completed.
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When your father passes away young, people tell you how "strong" and "brave" you are. They mean well. They are the same well-meaning people who tell you how "strong" and brave" you are for sharing your stories of sexual harassment or assault. For making it through. What they often fail to realize, or acknowledge, is that aside from our strength and bravery, we are angry, we are exhausted, and we had no other option.
This picture came up on my news feed from a year ago today and the first thing I thought was “wow, look how happy I was”. Wanna know why I was so happy? I was a senior in college taking classes I really enjoyed for the first time in a while and I had a career path and plan to get there that I felt truly passionate about for the first time in a while. I had just started dating, I was having fun and going to class and seeing friends. In this particular picture, I am thrilled because I was so sure of a future where Hillary Clinton would be the next president. I had just voted for a woman in my first presidential election (on the same day I had my first Pap Smear—a fact I like to throw in because I think it is poetic even if it is oversharing). I was so sure of what I was doing and what was coming next and I had so little to worry about. If you’re still reading this, you’re probably cringing because you know full well what happens next. But I have something that will fix the weird face you’re making. I don’t know that I will ever be happy in that way again, because being happy the way I was, was just part of having no idea how bad things can get. But in spite of having been there and back, my laugh is still almost always the loudest in the room.
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AuthorYou can check me out under "About Me" Archives
May 2018
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