So if you've ever watched any Disney movie, like ever, you're familiar with the Dead Parents Trope. Heck, maybe you don't like Disney. Maybe you're a comic book nerd. Uncle Ben, Thomas and Martha Wayne? The idea of a having a Dead parents is so ubiquitous that it is ever-present in the media we consumed as children, and that children even now consume. So if we were introduced to this concept as toddlers watching Ariel insist that she was old enough to make her own decisions (we all know how that turned out), why is it that so very few of these outlets has chosen to show a realistic reaction to grief? (We'll get there). My Disney-crazed self has, for probably more than a decade now, retained the knowledge that you can count on one hand the number of Disney Princesses who have two living parents the entire movie (Sleeping Beauty, Mulan...) So when my Dad died, I knew that I was officially a Princess. But what I didn't know was how any one of them would have handled it. I suppose what we learned from those movies wasn't supposed to be particularly prolific. But the music is good! So basically today I'm just gonna rant about some movie/TV show characters, their experiences with grief, and how I reacted to that before and after. Let's start with Simba. For a few reasons you can guess, and a few you can't. Rewind to June of 1994. I was a little bun in the oven (Shout out to my mom's uterus), and my Dad's Dad--Papa as I never got to refer to him--had just passed away. My family used to say we passed each other. So my Dad takes my older brother to see the movie, thinking oh good! A Disney movie. Lions. Apparently they didn't get the *Inspired by Hamlet* memo. So Mufasa's dying the revine and oops! Dad needs some popcorn stat. 4.5 year old James doesn't care. Rafiki's gonna sing again soon, he thinks nothing of it. This is a story I've known for a long while. Little Simba trying to wake up his Dad was obviously upsetting to *my* Dad because of *his* Dad enough that he spoke of it even twenty years later. Before I knew anything of death or grief, I, like any other Nala-like little girl thought Simba needed to just get his shit together. Face your legacy bro! Here's what I'll say now. I didn't *really* get out of bed for a month after my Dad died, and I wasn't convinced I was the cause of his death. So frankly, Simba can do whatever he needs. That said, I'm glad he saved the prideland. Okay, let's talk about my younger brother's least favorite Disney movie ever. (Any guesses?) It's Frozen. Lord knows why. I think he's wrong, but I digress. [SPOILERS AHEAD in case you haven't seen the the movie and magically don't know what happened but let's be real you're reading this blog post so you know what happens anyway]. So when Anna and Elsa's parents die tragically in a sea storm in the middle of "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?" (that song is on my Dead Dad Playlist for that reason). They have such different reactions. WHAAAT?! Siblings do that?! They don't have the same feelings all the time about their deceased parents?! Please read my brothers' blogs for their thoughts on the matter...oh wait... But anyway, back to Anna and Elsa. While their personalities may have been different had their parents not, you know, suppressed their eldest daughter's every emotion, it's clear that Anna reaches out for support in grief while Elsa, either by choice, or as a survival instinct insists on being alone. At the time I originally saw the movie I was like yeah dude that sucks. But having been through that, I find it cool that Disney showed even that small bit of dysfunction during grief. Have you had enough Disney? I don't believe in too much Disney, but we'll call it a wrap there. Let's talk about some of my favorite TV Shows! So in Downtown Abbey (yes, we're going there), the two best couples (don't come at my opinion) lose a half. Obviously you see Tom and Mary go through some grief. I think it's interesting how you get to see Tom (and really everyone) right after the fact. Sybil has just died, and he's distraught (duh). But with Lady Mary, you don't see her grief until several months after the fact. Even so, she is a shadow of her formerly-firey self. I remember watching the first time around and being so confused as to why Mary was still so deep in grief six months later. Hey, I just didn't know any better! (what a gift!). But after rewatching, I was constantly thinking Hey! Let her chill! She's grieving her husband! This is not like Robert's dogs, we can't just justify getting a new one next season. And yet...they tried!!! I find it absolutely ridiculous that given two prominent characters in the series both of whom lose their spouse so young, they only *really* try to pair up Mary again and they certainly only succeed with her. Compare that one to reality... Alright and we'll wrap it up with yes--you guessed it--Gilmore Girls. More specifically, the revival Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. Now, I of course, relate to this one especially for several reasons. I have always thought of myself as a parallel to Lorelai Gilmore. But it got particularly real last fall. The revival was released just weeks after my own Dad's death, and Edward Hermann--who played Lorelai's father, Richard, had died in the years between the original show and the revival. So of course, Richard's death was a large plot point in the new show. While Lorelai's story about her best memory of her father is already posted on my I Am Not Alone page, I think Emily's grief is so well portrayed both in the way it is written and the way Kelly Bishop plays the role--in no small part because she and Edward were close friends in real life.
So basically, I went a really long way to say that the media portrays grief in some really odd ways. It is something we are told is universal. But how can something that is supposedly so universal almost always illicit ridiculous comments and reactions?! The question of the century folks. Nothing in life in certain but death and taxes, and well all know how to file for our refunds...
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May 2018
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